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The Silver Screen

I s’pose many, if not most of you readin’ this are ‘cowboy movie’ fans to some extent. With quasi-historical portrayals I expect some creative license, but the majority of these portrayals are completely off the wall.

Apparently few have paid any attention to the actual history and location (terrain) of these events. Clothing and firearms are displayed that are far in advance of the period depicted, or in some instances never used at all. The original ‘characters’ and events are so good, so unique, that few screen writers or directors could enhance them.

What screen writer could come up with names like “Wyatt Earp, Doc Holliday, Ike Clanton, Johnny Ringo, Big Nose Kate, Buckskin Frank, Bat Masterson, Wild Bill Hickok, Commodore Perry Owen or Curly Bill?” What screen writer could dream up the events of their lives? What director could ‘improve’ on the historical background of these events?

 

 

The Movies

Hollywood Take Note

People go to the movies
‘Thinkin’ that’s how it was portrayed
But hardly ever was it, that
As on the screen displayed

I swear I wish I could just reach out
And grab ‘em by the throat
‘N bring to their attention
All the crap they’ve wrote

They seem to think the audience
Won’t care either way
‘N don’t know a Winchester ‘92
From a ‘50 Chevrolet

I suppose at one time
This may have all been true
But we now expect reality
In the movies that they do

Don’t take a bunch’a famous names
And put ‘em in a script
Dress ‘em any which ol’ way
With stuff ya found in Grip

No movie cowboy carries butt reversed
Or even wears a knife
There’s no canteens or poss’ble’s bags
Essentials of the life

Costumed by some weird pansy swish
With a lisp upon his lips
Who’s walkin’ with a wiggle
And his hands upon his hips

No cowboy’d dare to wear a shirt
Of Melon, Mauve or Taupe
If they'd worn that foofy garb
They’d prob’ly get beat up

No cowboy was a fashion plate
He wore what he could get
He’d get the lice out on an anthill
‘n a bath was rarer yet

There were reasons why ‘n how they wore that stuff
The bandanna’s, hats ‘n braces
Gunbelts, vests ‘n all the rest
In those long gone days ‘n places

There’s n’ere a decent moustache worn
By the men that they portray
Tho clean shaved upper lips
Were not, the fashion of the day

The very least that they could do
Would be open up a book
‘n maybe get a real idea
Of how them people look

This was the 19th Century
The real Victorian Age
The old wild west had differences
Displayed on every page

The old west ain’t all Monument Valley
‘n Saguaro’s don’t grow there
Bisbee was not a flat cow town
‘n Red Rock was hardly there

Contention wasn’t all that much
There’s not left but a wall
And for some reason Charleston
Don’t get mentioned none at all

In some directors image
St David doesn’t matter
Benson barely gets a nod
‘n Tombstone’s image shatters

Hey John Ford, you knucklehead
Allen Street had two sides to it
There weren’t never no Clementine
And historically, you blew it!

The Duke had a Winchester ‘92
In 1849
While toutin’ brass framed ’66 Henry’s
As brand new, top of the line

He had a cartridge six gun
Near 30 years in advance
Wearin' belt loops that didn’t exist
To hold up his zippered pants

Now the Buscadero holster
Showed up in 1928
But Gary Cooper wore one (High Noon)
Circa 1888

I never knew that Bisbee’s
Flat ‘n dusty as portrayed
Or there was no jail in Tombstone
To hold outlaw Ben Wade

I've wondered why the Dragoons
Figured in that posse’s ride
They must’a took the scenic route
To circle ‘round that wide

Screen writers are so clueless
When they make up all this crap
You’d think with all that money
They could ‘least afford a map

With all the hist’ry in the Ol South West
They surely could be showin’
Sherrod’s Rebel cavalry
Or Commodore Perry Owen

They’ve ignored ol’ General Baylor
‘n Arizona’s Reb secession
The exploits of these hardy men
Is hardly worth a mention

Next time you watch these movies
Look beyond the smilin’ faces
Check out what they’re wearin’
In these supposed times and places

The southwest is a dusty place
Folks got hot ‘n gritty
Not lookin’ like some fashion plate
Straight outta New York City

Most getups that these actors wear
Are really quite a sight
Clint Eastwood ‘least makes a fair attempt
To get the era right

‘Stead’a hirin’on these ‘experts’
Whose advice seems rather scanty
You’d get more authentic information
From any ‘Tombstone Vigilante’

As from a bygone century
There’s Sam Elliott ‘n Bob Duvall
They personify the ‘Cowboy’ right
By God they do it all

Watchin’ these mistakes ya made
It’s embarrassin’ for sure
How ‘bout cleanin’ up yer ‘western’ scripts
‘n not do that anymore?
 

B - Western

 

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